Getting there

So as I sit here, casually attempting to study for a midterm I have tomorrow, I have come to a conclusion. I want to write. That’s all I ever want to do, write, expel words, get lost in a moment of conversing with someone that’s entirely one way.

When I write for assignments, it takes forever to get started. The words refuse to come and instead it’s the blank page waiting. I don’t know for what, since I’m the one that the words come from and if I don’t know what I’m waiting for, what I’m expecting, then the page is no expectation. Maybe something profound, amazing, stellar, something that’s amazing.

So when it is not amazing, stellar but just a start I tend to become rather judgemental. I think, edit away at it to make it sound more polished instead of hashing out the skeleton of what I want it to be and how I want to arrive at that conclusion. Instead it becomes one amazing sentence, a partially developed thesis and then more blank page waiting.

It is as if I am pulling teeth. My own teeth.

It is not fun at all and being not fun at all dissuades me from writing.

I know that I can write. And that it is good, that if it is not good enough for me in that moment then I can always edit more to make it good. My idea of good is very different from other people’s idea of good. I hold my writing to a higher standard because of how badly I fail to communicate with people verbally.

Since I communicate not as well as I liked to verbally, it is essential that I be as clear and send the message that I want to in my writing. Which appears to be a larger problem of why I don’t write as much as I would like to anymore.

The remedy to this, I do believe, is to write small amounts everyday. Then it becomes more useful, more natural. There’s less of an importance placed on it. It does not become this monstrous mountain to climb and overcome.

Well. That’s what I hope anyways.

À bientôt!

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Painful

Some days just being, just living, taking another breathe and interacting with people is very very hard. That’s not to say that every day is like this nor should it be, it is just a few of those days infiltrates their way in.

They wiggle about under my skin, whispering bitter nothings and caressing the hidden away from everyone parts of me.  None of this is real, none of this is supportable evidence in wake of the events that have come to be but it all could be.

Sweet delusions whispering falsified information, whispering beliefs long since forgotten.

Or I had thought forgotten.

The little delusional lies don’t stay for very long. Often they’re chased off by the things I perceive as truth, my own self defense mechanisms.

The after effects take longer to escape from. It is a slow kind of agony, purging away the lies, the disappointment, the hurt. The hurt is what takes the longest to escape from. It seeps into every thought, emotion, every word, every little syllable.

It is unfortunate because I am terrible with communicating with people. I don’t know or I don’t feel comfortable at all telling people how I feel. So I wind up keeping it to myself and just being a huddled crying mess later on. How can I explain to you why I hurt so bad when I don’t know how to put it into words? When I feel like I am so disposable and that everything feels like a step farther out than I’ve ever been, not that it’s bad thing it’s just that it’s overwhelming. I need for things to progress slowly because I am bad at change.  And I am hurting.

When I hurt I am much more defensive than normal. Everything seems like it’s a good reason to dispose of me. It’s not that the relationship itself is to blame, it is a bunch of neurosis on my part. When you have been disposed of more than once, for someone who is younger and basically the same looking ( roughly), the worry of being replaced is always there. Despite your best intentions it is a fear that I will have for quite a while more. It is a real fear as I have been replaced, when I wasn’t expecting it. And it gives my hurt a hand hold.

So tomorrow I hope to not hurt as much. I will do the best that I can do to bring light to my dark. And hopefully it will alleviate some of the hurt, if not all of it.

À bientôt!

Hello world!

Another day, another new blog.

What’s this you ask? An outlet for some of the things that go on in my head. Ideas, theories, stories, bits and pieces of this. Occasionally musik, well musik that I enjoy or find interesting. Some vague writing about what is going on my life, the ups and downs of school. What I like, what I do not particularly enjoy about some parts of my classes and in general just school.

I am vague. I am not overly friendly or cuddle filled. I do have my own opinions and beliefs, despite what some people may murmur. I do respect other people’s beliefs, if they respect mine and do not attempt to belittle or actively change long held beliefs of mine. I do judge you if you have very little interest in books or very little respect for learning more about the greater world around you, there. I said it. I am a judge-y snob in some manners.

However I have found in my personal experience that if you do not like either of those things I have very little in common with you. I am an information sponge. I want to learn as much as possible because it helps to shape how I see life. How I interact with people, with creatures, with plants as opposed to believing that I am a member of the dominant species on this planet and that everything else is “lesser” than me. That the only reason why it still exists is to serve my needs, my purposes otherwise it should be eradicated at one extreme and benignly neglected at the other.

I am confusing. I do not make sense at times and I will be difficult. How I approach interactions with people is very much like how sighthounds interact with people : you must have something of value, or you must be worth it in order for me to interact with you. That’s not to say that I am a shallow person, it is that I prefer to interact with people of substance. Or at least people who should have something interesting about them. I am done with having to be nice for niceties sake. I am not  enamoured of how society values a woman’s worth on how polite she is, how courteous she is, how much of a shrinking violet she is.

Burn it all. That is what I say. Burn it and re invent the system in the manner in which you would love to see it. Myself, right now I tiptoe around the camp of anarcha-feminism, as a partial support in some of my views. I told you I would be confusing.

À Bientôt!

ZeD