I’ve been sitting, thinking, wishing

I do not have all of the answers. I do not know everything.

I am like other people trying to find a way to thrive while living. I want to try to find out the ways in which I am happiest, while being around people who I genuinely like. It’s like I’m trying to re discover what makes me happy, what makes me me and how to go about things.

This isn’t meant to be a depressing post or anything. More of a wondering and a standing still in time post. An introspective spewing of words in a pattern that does not appear too defensive or offensive.

I am going to begin to doodle more. I miss doing art-y type stuff and have an idea that maybe a webcomic one day would be a nice thing to have. So. I need to work on being able to draw people, draw things and then it’ll help out more in that respect.

I am writing more so that I can better at putting thoughts to page (well pixel now or screen). The words don’t always come out as quickly as I would like or as well as I would like the first time but that’s what editing is about. Trimming the fat and expose the juicy meat of what really wants to be said, all of that jazz.

I am going to be happy one way or another. I will find a way, a notion of where ideally I would like to be and where I realistically can be. No doubt that I will challenge the realistic position with the ideal position or that I’ll lose ground only to make it then later find out I’ve changed and somethings don’t matter as much as they once did.

People change. I change. I have changed, I’ve changed a lot in the last few years and I don’t think that I will ever stop changing. How things are interpreted, how things are acted upon in life, be it digital or real, depend on perspective. As much as we might (well I might) hate to believe that we’re constantly moving, constantly editing the narrative of our own lives, we are. We’re moving in the direction in which convinces at this moment, this very moment, the most and then it changes a second later. The shared history we have between people, between friends, acquaintances, allies, lovers and enemies is in constant flux depending upon the mood we find ourselves in.

Or at least to me that’s what I find. When I am angry the way in which I remember things is sharper, more defined, more angular almost. It reminds me of being defensive sometimes, when I feel like I am defending something worthwhile I am filled with a righteousness that has a slight angular taste.

When I am sad things are grey. I kid you not, my memories are greyer, more monotone. I remember things not as well as I should either when I am sad or depressed. Entire blocks of time are lost when I am depressed and suddenly it’s a month later than what I had thought it to be. Time both takes forever to dole itself out yet is spent faster than I can remember.

Happy is one of the weirder emotions for me. Things are more green, more yellow, citrus and ginger are happy smells. It’s just. Citrus and ginger smell like happy. Things are brighter, colours bolder and memories are more likely to invoke Cheshire cat smiles. These memories are the bright and shining stars, they provide guidance, hope when everything melts from grey into black.

I don’t have all of the answers, I never claimed to. I do, however, have a conviction that I will be happy. That in this ever winding maze of a life I damn well better be as happy as I want and that I matter. No matter what, I have meaning, I have purpose and most importantly I have people that care about who I let.

À bientôt!

Zed

 

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