Say your name, try to speak as clearly as you can.

I’ve been feeling kinda sore lately. Almost as if my spine is being compressed while I’m awake, while I’m moving and walking. It’s been cold lately, so maybe the lack of activity could be it. In fact I’m almost certain of it.

I don’t walk as much here as I did before. It’s been cold and I’ve just escaped out of a slump recently. So yeah. I’m pretty sure that lack of any kind of activity is it. On the plus side I’m thinking about trying out yoga. I would like to be more flexible. And I do like stretching a lot.

Other than that I’ve just been doing some thinking recently. About where I want to go. About who I am and people I associate with. I’ve been thinking about how I really love my minor. Like. I love it. I am so happy with it. I’m rethinking about the potential move to being an English major. I love english. I’m good at. I just have some reservations about it. The 4th year course about intersectionality is fucking brilliant and caught my eye for wanting to change majors. I mean I would be happy being an History major, it’s something that I would enjoy. It’s just.

I don’t know. I see the practical sides for picking english over history and history over english.

I am confident in my decision to take summer classes. It helps pick up the pieces that I dropped last semester. I want to finish my degree so that I can either get a job where I don’t feel like it’s below what I should be doing, given my qualifications or go onto grad school. Those are the two choices I am looking at right now, that’s about it. So what if my degree isn’t as marketable as being a rig pig or working in an industry, at least I could get a foothold in a career or career experience in something that I will not hate.

So I’m not who I used to be anymore. Not at all. I don’t drink as much, I’ve developed better coping mechanisms, better ideas of self worth and how I am valuable. I’ve gotten better since then. I’m always changing too. If anything I am not static, I am constantly reviewing, re tweeking, re caliberating how I work, what I think, who I am. It’s just been.

I am pretty sure that I will not ever be anyone’s ideal friendly person. I won’t be that warm fuzzy greeter who’s super loud or that super right off the bat trusting person. I don’t believe in rewarding people when they say look at this misery that has happened to me, revel in how fucked up I am and tell me I’m doing a good job in joining the community. I will not be that person.

Simply put I will not be that person. I will not be measured or admitted or have my worth as “friendly” in the community decided upon by how much I share of my own person hells. Or indecisions or bad life choices. I don’t think that people should be rewarded for poor choices ( by my defintion) however I respect their rights and abilities to make those poor choices. In fact it is an incredibly important facet to me,that in our society we have the right to make whatever choices we want regardless of how many people may disagree or frown upon them (granted they don’t hurt somebody living or are terribly illegal). Yes I have shared some of my own person hells and I wish I hadn’t.

I wish I had dealt with things less publicly and that I had stuck to trusting friends that I’ve known for years. Now some people feel as if they can judge me, de value me in their eyes based on the decisions that I have made.

I guess it should come as a relief to me though. If they are willing to give me less respect based upon an inability of theirs to honor and respect a choice I made, then they wouldn’t have made a good friend. They can be an aquaintence but if you’re willing to throw away a respect for me over that issue then no.

So. Yeah. That’s what I’ve been thinking of between writing summaries, skeletons of essays and learning about wind. In between figuring out if Antigone is an accurate represention of Greek women during that period or if I’m odd for being able to draw out circuits better than other people who are also just learning.

I am complicated, I am dark, I’m not all rainbows or kitties. I’m wonderful in the way that Lunar Park is wonderful, in the way that Fear of a Blank Planet speaks of isolation, in the way that as soon as you hear the power chord intro to “Don’t Stop Believing” you just want to belt it out regardless of where you are or if you can sing. I am a thousand amazing kisses and nine hundred paper cuts. I want more people to realize that. That I’m not always angry, that my anger is born out many things concerned with privellege, human rights, gender, sexism, class, money, and that it does not make me crazy for feeling strongly about the things I do. I do not always expect people to agree with me, I do expect you to enter a dialouge though about where each of us stand and why.

I am amazing in the way that french transforms phrases into something more, like the spirit of the staircase. I am a lot of things.

And I hope, dear reader ( if there is one) you are too.

À bientôt

❤ Zed

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