Sliding

I wonder about if I am a good person. If I do things that even though they don’t induce feelings of guilt or moral wrongness or sad, if the things that I have done make me a good person. It’s complicated.

The scale of good or bad is an incredibly personal one that changes from day to minute to hour to year. It is constantly in flux, depending on our feelings for that day it might be wholly changed from where it was just a few days ago even. Events that normally would be shouted down in the senate of my brain suddenly stand their grounds, their arguments are suddenly more enlightened, more profound than previously thought. The rate at which the arguments begin to sound reasonable, sound adds to the terrifying mess that occurs later on.

After this apex, the climax of bad decision making (though it isn’t necessarily bad but rather emotional and knee jerk) when the cards have fallen, when the chips fall in their respective places that the question of am I good person makes it’s first appearance.

The question, unlike others in it’s family (What have I done, who is this, why do I have that road sign) is insidious in it’s approach. It approaches innocently enough, normally when you’re feeling well enough. You’re feeling hopeful, strong, like everything is amazing and awesome then it inches into your cortex. It begins to steep, slowly turning those feelings into traitors.

After it has infiltrated enough, it then turns to gaze at you, staring down into your soul. Am I good person, it asks quizzically, eye brow raised slightly bemused. I couldn’t quite tell if it has a serpentine voice or one schooled by corporate public relations coaches.

I am a good person, I say back. In my minds eye I am standing there, in a steam punk sky pirate apparel with a rapier held out. This is who I am, when I need to have fights with myself I arm myself up. I make myself into the person I would love to be, that I am slowly turning myself into since my mind and the insidious question can take whatever form they wish.

I am a good person because I am trying to better myself, that I am constantly evolving to be the best that I can be. I know where my boundaries are, that I don’t give in or turn a blind eye to things that I find or feel are wrong. I uphold my own sense of right and wrong, while aided by what society deems is morally right or wrong while seeing the blind spots within it.

It’s just a little complicated sometimes. And that’s where we find out who we are, in the complications.

À bien tôt!

Zed

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Of far away places and half told lies

When it rains I am an intensely happy creature. I can feel the rain waiting to escape the clouds, the cloud bloated with raindrops large and dark, cool breezes running past you whispering the rain is coming, the rain is near. The water droplets come to replenish the parched earth, fill water tables, feed vegetation, symbolically wash away all of the dirty, terrible that has come to coat you. Raindrops absolve me or at least aid in the process of the absolution.

Redemption is a strange concept to some people. Do you need to believe in a deity, a spiritual force or something bigger than yourself in order for the concept of being redeemed to work? Do you have to believe that somewhere, somehow deep within yourself there is something worth saving?-Maybe. Is redemption something limited to those who believe in some kind of supernatural force, no, not at all. That’s what I believe. There are things within us that could save us, if we wanted to or allowed them to save us.

But from what?-Or who? What does absolution and redemption have to do with anything?

Everything.

Everything.

I re examine my life, the choices I’ve made up to this point in time at least a few times a year. I go back over the good, the terrible, the now terribly hilarious in the worst kind of way but was originally world destroying, and the mediocre. I look at the places where I might not have been true to myself, that my sense of self was wearing thin or altogether gone. I shine the light on the parts where I am so myself, that I was so sure of myself that now in the present I still get a shiver down my spine and want to fist pump myself to go : yes you are awesome, fantastic and your own person. Fuck yeah. The complete opposite of that is when I have done things that make me cringe even though I’ve had time to smooth over the edges, to rationalize why I made x decision.

I am afraid that my life will be defined by those moments.  Those moments where I was dishonest with myself, dishonest with the people I was around, dishonest with my life. I am afraid that I will choose something that might not be what I want because it’s expected of me or because it’s what I am supposed to do. Without a doubt, without any sort of posturing or lying it is something that I need to work on more. I need to be more truthful to myself.

You see this is my absolution and my redemption. I am worthy of being able to accept redemption, of being able to grant it to myself. I don’t need someone else to tell me that I’m worthy of being a save able human being. I don’t need or want or require or long for someone else’s “gift” of salvation. I am an intensely independent creature. I do not like it when  someone tries to gift me with that. For some strange reason it makes me feel like they are trying to reduce me, trying to make me less than what I am and shove me into a box that they’ve picked out for me. Yes the box may be pretty but I sure as hell didn’t pick it. Or in most cases consent to it.

My absolution lies in the fact of how I treat people leaves me wanting to be better. To do more. I sometimes do not treat people in the manner they deserve to be treated in. It really varies. Some people get more lee way through the fact that I feel sorry for them, or I feel like I should let them get away with more simply because they’ve worn down some of my defenses. They’ve been tenacious, they refuse to let go or budge, they try to buy me, try to offer the salvation they so want to grant me. They want me to become their creature.They want my autonomy.

And so we come back to the beginning of the circle. Of why I need to give myself redemption, absolution. I can’t be torn in two different directions all of the time. I don’t need to feel like I can just shelf myself or put myself on the back burner because someone who offers “salvation” wants me to behave in a certain manner. It exist in a certain manner. It is no good.

I shouldn’t have to be someone else. I shouldn’t have to feel as though I owe you more than what I’m willing to give because you keep thrusting salvation at me. I shouldn’t have to explain why I am angry when you say or do things that so obviously annoy me, that bother me or just explain you know I’m joking or don’t really believe that. No. No. No. If you have to qualify whatever you’re trying  to say with that, then no. I really don’t have the time, patience or want to be around you.

There are better things that I could spend doing with my time. There are more interesting things I could be learning, that I could be doing instead of being annoyed by you or trolled by you or feeling that my emotions are just things that could be bought.

I am not for sale.

I don’t know how many other times I’ll have to shout it at the world but I am not for sale. Not now, not in the past, not  in the future. It induces feelings of rage when you say that you’re such a nice guy because really you’re not. You make me feel like somehow I’m the fuck up when you sir are a despicable human being.

This is why I grant myself absolution. I can’t carry this any longer. The only person I am responsible for is myself. I do not require another liar ship to be complete as a human being. I just require being true to myself.

Ideally, for the next few months this will carry me into being a better human being. I am changing like always. I need to be myself. I need to be truthful to myself.

À bein tôt

Zed