Thirteen

Suddenly I see. I see how you see things, how you feel things and a deep sense of despair washes over me.

I am a fool. I am a fool for taking you back the first time and I am foolish for offering you something this time. I am more than foolish, I am somewhat self destructive you could say.

You destroy me.

Utterly. With a single glance, a word not spoken, a text message unanswered and by reminding me not so gently that I am wrong. Or that I have something wrong with me, namely this feeling I have towards you.

I want so badly to get what I want, to have you take some of my terms. Then I will still have you. I will have a warm body to sleep next to, to cuddle, to taste and to play with. I will have an entity that I am acquainted with but I still have more to learn about.

I will have part of my home restored.

Only I see what you see now. I see what I have been thrown into and it hurts. It claws at my soul, I shake when I see that someone has become much more important than me. And you’re letting them. You love it. You have become their pet and I am just this fool, this idiot who believes that maybe just maybe something can be salvaged.

That my heart won’t go through the blender again. Like it has been.

That somehow you will suddenly feel how I do for you and you will want this.

Only you won’t. Because you don’t feel that way at all.

I don’t know why I am clinging on. I should just let go. I should cut and run, I should run you out of my home and my life. I should not be crying as much as I do and I should not be ripping apart on the inside.

Hope is a great thing, however, it kills.

You cannot live on hope when you have facts, when you have feelings and just blatant statements that point to the decision not in favor of hope. Hope is a liar and whispers if you just hold out a little longer things will be okay. Things will work out how you want them to and then you will be happy.

It doesn’t work that way.  I am old enough to know that it doesn’t work that.

What happens is that you cling onto hope so hard that when it doesn’t turn out how you thought, when it’s not okay, you crash so hard dying seems like a fantastic option. That everything is grey, food has no taste and who needs to take care of themselves? A shower just becomes a place where you can be purged of the feelings of hopelessness through burning water and where snot doesn’t get stuck. You can breathe and be crying at the same time.

I see what you see. I get it. My hope is dying.

My dream is dying, it’s dying to the applause of me trying to be a good person, trying to support you as much as I can and being torn apart by myself with a side kick of you. I get it.

I get it.

I am not the person you want at all.

And it fucking kills me. Along with hope.

À bientôt

How is it?

It’s like wordlessly screaming. That moment when something is revealed, something is hinted at and all of a sudden your heart is in your throat. You’re shaking because you are now pumped full of adrenaline, fight or flight, fight or cry, cry or scream. You cannot for the life of you remember why you thought it was a good idea at all to go to a certain social networking site. To go investigate, to check things out and there starkly is the sum of all of your fears.

The fears that you have written off as being crazy, being unsubstantiated, of being unfounded. They sit there proudly, glowing in their truth and delusions in my world come crashing down. There’s a great moan as the delusions come down, as loudly as a metaphorically alive thing can die it does. I stand alone in the wreckage of what I had believed, mouth open, shaking, tears streaming down my face without any kind of understanding.

Some truth, some truth of yours might have been nice.

And did I as a human being capable of feeling sadness just as greatly as you, deserving to have the harsh glow of the sum of my fears wash across me?

Maybe I am delusional. And my delusions are in ruins, however that does not mean that the un truth or hidden I’m not telling yous are what I deserve.

I have given you the whole of my truth and the protection of my compassion. I have tried and am trying so very hard to not break now. To not be a constant mess of weeping and heart break. I am doing my best to beat my heart sickness of you.

And yet.

It’s just like salt in my wounds. Every text message you ignore from me but take from other people is a snub. I get it.

I’m not important.

And I’ll own up to feeling that I’m not important to you in the very least because it is exactly what I feel like.

 

À Bientôt!

Zed