Right between the eyes

I feel heart sick.

It is one of the worst types of sick to feel, in my very own opinion. ¬†Earlier this fall I had lost my best friend. It was unexpected in the worst way, we had been texting up until he had died. He wasn’t that far along into adult, he shouldn’t have died.

He should still be very much alive. I feel very heart sick over that. My best friend died. That’s not supposed to happen until much later.

People wonder why I’ve been so distant, why I suck at group things more than usual this is it. My best friend died. Did you want me to proclaim that at every function where I was trying to not burst into tears?

My best friend died and it isn’t fair.

My best friend died and now I have no real people who have known me for years to talk to.

My best friend died and somehow this has inconvenienced you.

I’m really sorry about the last one. I know that it doesn’t help anything but still. My best friend died and it really fucking broke me. It still fucking breaks me because he was always there. Even if we didn’t live in the same city or province or he was always. We would always make plans to meet up and just talk.

I remember walking through the snow with him, talking about his feelings and how he felt. He told me that I was one of the rare people who he felt he didn’t have put his facade on around. I remember his smile and how he could wiggle his nose like a bunny.

I miss him so much. I wish that he was still here.

He was one of the first people who met me and said you’re going to make a wonderful top one day. I remember how he told me that he would introduce me to his mom’s friends in the community, that if I wanted to learn how to do things he would help me find people to teach me. Vetted people. Non creepy people, but people that we both knew.

I remember how much he believed in me when other people didn’t.

And how easy it was to be around him. I miss him so much.

And yet it does get better.