Sliding

I wonder about if I am a good person. If I do things that even though they don’t induce feelings of guilt or moral wrongness or sad, if the things that I have done make me a good person. It’s complicated.

The scale of good or bad is an incredibly personal one that changes from day to minute to hour to year. It is constantly in flux, depending on our feelings for that day it might be wholly changed from where it was just a few days ago even. Events that normally would be shouted down in the senate of my brain suddenly stand their grounds, their arguments are suddenly more enlightened, more profound than previously thought. The rate at which the arguments begin to sound reasonable, sound adds to the terrifying mess that occurs later on.

After this apex, the climax of bad decision making (though it isn’t necessarily bad but rather emotional and knee jerk) when the cards have fallen, when the chips fall in their respective places that the question of am I good person makes it’s first appearance.

The question, unlike others in it’s family (What have I done, who is this, why do I have that road sign) is insidious in it’s approach. It approaches innocently enough, normally when you’re feeling well enough. You’re feeling hopeful, strong, like everything is amazing and awesome then it inches into your cortex. It begins to steep, slowly turning those feelings into traitors.

After it has infiltrated enough, it then turns to gaze at you, staring down into your soul. Am I good person, it asks quizzically, eye brow raised slightly bemused. I couldn’t quite tell if it has a serpentine voice or one schooled by corporate public relations coaches.

I am a good person, I say back. In my minds eye I am standing there, in a steam punk sky pirate apparel with a rapier held out. This is who I am, when I need to have fights with myself I arm myself up. I make myself into the person I would love to be, that I am slowly turning myself into since my mind and the insidious question can take whatever form they wish.

I am a good person because I am trying to better myself, that I am constantly evolving to be the best that I can be. I know where my boundaries are, that I don’t give in or turn a blind eye to things that I find or feel are wrong. I uphold my own sense of right and wrong, while aided by what society deems is morally right or wrong while seeing the blind spots within it.

It’s just a little complicated sometimes. And that’s where we find out who we are, in the complications.

À bien tôt!

Zed

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Standing on the rooftops

It got really warm again. Where is my winter?-I miss the snow. I am a northerner if nothing else, I don’t really like this winter. I want to have snow to walk through, to crunch through. I miss my twilight that lasts for hours and paints the snow blue.

I am further in my degree than I thought I was. So I dropped one of the classes I don’t need so that while I’m powering through my major I can take a language to the 200 level. What that means is that if I go for my masters or phd that I will already have met the language requirement. I think that’ll be pretty spiffy.

I’m waffling between growing my hair out more or cutting it off into a mohawk. If I grow it out more it’ll be kinda. I don’t know. I haven’t had long hair for a while, I don’t like it on me because I have thick hair. Thick dark wavy hair that is a thousand degrees in the summer. And it’s so just. Ugly to me. I don’t like it at all.

I’m waffling because I’m looking for a job too. So. If I cut my hair into something that’s odd then it possibly impacts what job I get. If I leave it how it is then I can get possibly get a job but it could be a douche-y one.

I should just cut it and run with it.

There’s nothing to fear but fear itself, no?

À bientôt!

Zed ❤

Say your name, try to speak as clearly as you can.

I’ve been feeling kinda sore lately. Almost as if my spine is being compressed while I’m awake, while I’m moving and walking. It’s been cold lately, so maybe the lack of activity could be it. In fact I’m almost certain of it.

I don’t walk as much here as I did before. It’s been cold and I’ve just escaped out of a slump recently. So yeah. I’m pretty sure that lack of any kind of activity is it. On the plus side I’m thinking about trying out yoga. I would like to be more flexible. And I do like stretching a lot.

Other than that I’ve just been doing some thinking recently. About where I want to go. About who I am and people I associate with. I’ve been thinking about how I really love my minor. Like. I love it. I am so happy with it. I’m rethinking about the potential move to being an English major. I love english. I’m good at. I just have some reservations about it. The 4th year course about intersectionality is fucking brilliant and caught my eye for wanting to change majors. I mean I would be happy being an History major, it’s something that I would enjoy. It’s just.

I don’t know. I see the practical sides for picking english over history and history over english.

I am confident in my decision to take summer classes. It helps pick up the pieces that I dropped last semester. I want to finish my degree so that I can either get a job where I don’t feel like it’s below what I should be doing, given my qualifications or go onto grad school. Those are the two choices I am looking at right now, that’s about it. So what if my degree isn’t as marketable as being a rig pig or working in an industry, at least I could get a foothold in a career or career experience in something that I will not hate.

So I’m not who I used to be anymore. Not at all. I don’t drink as much, I’ve developed better coping mechanisms, better ideas of self worth and how I am valuable. I’ve gotten better since then. I’m always changing too. If anything I am not static, I am constantly reviewing, re tweeking, re caliberating how I work, what I think, who I am. It’s just been.

I am pretty sure that I will not ever be anyone’s ideal friendly person. I won’t be that warm fuzzy greeter who’s super loud or that super right off the bat trusting person. I don’t believe in rewarding people when they say look at this misery that has happened to me, revel in how fucked up I am and tell me I’m doing a good job in joining the community. I will not be that person.

Simply put I will not be that person. I will not be measured or admitted or have my worth as “friendly” in the community decided upon by how much I share of my own person hells. Or indecisions or bad life choices. I don’t think that people should be rewarded for poor choices ( by my defintion) however I respect their rights and abilities to make those poor choices. In fact it is an incredibly important facet to me,that in our society we have the right to make whatever choices we want regardless of how many people may disagree or frown upon them (granted they don’t hurt somebody living or are terribly illegal). Yes I have shared some of my own person hells and I wish I hadn’t.

I wish I had dealt with things less publicly and that I had stuck to trusting friends that I’ve known for years. Now some people feel as if they can judge me, de value me in their eyes based on the decisions that I have made.

I guess it should come as a relief to me though. If they are willing to give me less respect based upon an inability of theirs to honor and respect a choice I made, then they wouldn’t have made a good friend. They can be an aquaintence but if you’re willing to throw away a respect for me over that issue then no.

So. Yeah. That’s what I’ve been thinking of between writing summaries, skeletons of essays and learning about wind. In between figuring out if Antigone is an accurate represention of Greek women during that period or if I’m odd for being able to draw out circuits better than other people who are also just learning.

I am complicated, I am dark, I’m not all rainbows or kitties. I’m wonderful in the way that Lunar Park is wonderful, in the way that Fear of a Blank Planet speaks of isolation, in the way that as soon as you hear the power chord intro to “Don’t Stop Believing” you just want to belt it out regardless of where you are or if you can sing. I am a thousand amazing kisses and nine hundred paper cuts. I want more people to realize that. That I’m not always angry, that my anger is born out many things concerned with privellege, human rights, gender, sexism, class, money, and that it does not make me crazy for feeling strongly about the things I do. I do not always expect people to agree with me, I do expect you to enter a dialouge though about where each of us stand and why.

I am amazing in the way that french transforms phrases into something more, like the spirit of the staircase. I am a lot of things.

And I hope, dear reader ( if there is one) you are too.

À bientôt

❤ Zed

I’ve been sitting, thinking, wishing

I do not have all of the answers. I do not know everything.

I am like other people trying to find a way to thrive while living. I want to try to find out the ways in which I am happiest, while being around people who I genuinely like. It’s like I’m trying to re discover what makes me happy, what makes me me and how to go about things.

This isn’t meant to be a depressing post or anything. More of a wondering and a standing still in time post. An introspective spewing of words in a pattern that does not appear too defensive or offensive.

I am going to begin to doodle more. I miss doing art-y type stuff and have an idea that maybe a webcomic one day would be a nice thing to have. So. I need to work on being able to draw people, draw things and then it’ll help out more in that respect.

I am writing more so that I can better at putting thoughts to page (well pixel now or screen). The words don’t always come out as quickly as I would like or as well as I would like the first time but that’s what editing is about. Trimming the fat and expose the juicy meat of what really wants to be said, all of that jazz.

I am going to be happy one way or another. I will find a way, a notion of where ideally I would like to be and where I realistically can be. No doubt that I will challenge the realistic position with the ideal position or that I’ll lose ground only to make it then later find out I’ve changed and somethings don’t matter as much as they once did.

People change. I change. I have changed, I’ve changed a lot in the last few years and I don’t think that I will ever stop changing. How things are interpreted, how things are acted upon in life, be it digital or real, depend on perspective. As much as we might (well I might) hate to believe that we’re constantly moving, constantly editing the narrative of our own lives, we are. We’re moving in the direction in which convinces at this moment, this very moment, the most and then it changes a second later. The shared history we have between people, between friends, acquaintances, allies, lovers and enemies is in constant flux depending upon the mood we find ourselves in.

Or at least to me that’s what I find. When I am angry the way in which I remember things is sharper, more defined, more angular almost. It reminds me of being defensive sometimes, when I feel like I am defending something worthwhile I am filled with a righteousness that has a slight angular taste.

When I am sad things are grey. I kid you not, my memories are greyer, more monotone. I remember things not as well as I should either when I am sad or depressed. Entire blocks of time are lost when I am depressed and suddenly it’s a month later than what I had thought it to be. Time both takes forever to dole itself out yet is spent faster than I can remember.

Happy is one of the weirder emotions for me. Things are more green, more yellow, citrus and ginger are happy smells. It’s just. Citrus and ginger smell like happy. Things are brighter, colours bolder and memories are more likely to invoke Cheshire cat smiles. These memories are the bright and shining stars, they provide guidance, hope when everything melts from grey into black.

I don’t have all of the answers, I never claimed to. I do, however, have a conviction that I will be happy. That in this ever winding maze of a life I damn well better be as happy as I want and that I matter. No matter what, I have meaning, I have purpose and most importantly I have people that care about who I let.

À bientôt!

Zed