How is it?

It’s like wordlessly screaming. That moment when something is revealed, something is hinted at and all of a sudden your heart is in your throat. You’re shaking because you are now pumped full of adrenaline, fight or flight, fight or cry, cry or scream. You cannot for the life of you remember why you thought it was a good idea at all to go to a certain social networking site. To go investigate, to check things out and there starkly is the sum of all of your fears.

The fears that you have written off as being crazy, being unsubstantiated, of being unfounded. They sit there proudly, glowing in their truth and delusions in my world come crashing down. There’s a great moan as the delusions come down, as loudly as a metaphorically alive thing can die it does. I stand alone in the wreckage of what I had believed, mouth open, shaking, tears streaming down my face without any kind of understanding.

Some truth, some truth of yours might have been nice.

And did I as a human being capable of feeling sadness just as greatly as you, deserving to have the harsh glow of the sum of my fears wash across me?

Maybe I am delusional. And my delusions are in ruins, however that does not mean that the un truth or hidden I’m not telling yous are what I deserve.

I have given you the whole of my truth and the protection of my compassion. I have tried and am trying so very hard to not break now. To not be a constant mess of weeping and heart break. I am doing my best to beat my heart sickness of you.

And yet.

It’s just like salt in my wounds. Every text message you ignore from me but take from other people is a snub. I get it.

I’m not important.

And I’ll own up to feeling that I’m not important to you in the very least because it is exactly what I feel like.

 

À Bientôt!

Zed

 

Painful

Some days just being, just living, taking another breathe and interacting with people is very very hard. That’s not to say that every day is like this nor should it be, it is just a few of those days infiltrates their way in.

They wiggle about under my skin, whispering bitter nothings and caressing the hidden away from everyone parts of me.  None of this is real, none of this is supportable evidence in wake of the events that have come to be but it all could be.

Sweet delusions whispering falsified information, whispering beliefs long since forgotten.

Or I had thought forgotten.

The little delusional lies don’t stay for very long. Often they’re chased off by the things I perceive as truth, my own self defense mechanisms.

The after effects take longer to escape from. It is a slow kind of agony, purging away the lies, the disappointment, the hurt. The hurt is what takes the longest to escape from. It seeps into every thought, emotion, every word, every little syllable.

It is unfortunate because I am terrible with communicating with people. I don’t know or I don’t feel comfortable at all telling people how I feel. So I wind up keeping it to myself and just being a huddled crying mess later on. How can I explain to you why I hurt so bad when I don’t know how to put it into words? When I feel like I am so disposable and that everything feels like a step farther out than I’ve ever been, not that it’s bad thing it’s just that it’s overwhelming. I need for things to progress slowly because I am bad at change.  And I am hurting.

When I hurt I am much more defensive than normal. Everything seems like it’s a good reason to dispose of me. It’s not that the relationship itself is to blame, it is a bunch of neurosis on my part. When you have been disposed of more than once, for someone who is younger and basically the same looking ( roughly), the worry of being replaced is always there. Despite your best intentions it is a fear that I will have for quite a while more. It is a real fear as I have been replaced, when I wasn’t expecting it. And it gives my hurt a hand hold.

So tomorrow I hope to not hurt as much. I will do the best that I can do to bring light to my dark. And hopefully it will alleviate some of the hurt, if not all of it.

À bientôt!