How is it?

It’s like wordlessly screaming. That moment when something is revealed, something is hinted at and all of a sudden your heart is in your throat. You’re shaking because you are now pumped full of adrenaline, fight or flight, fight or cry, cry or scream. You cannot for the life of you remember why you thought it was a good idea at all to go to a certain social networking site. To go investigate, to check things out and there starkly is the sum of all of your fears.

The fears that you have written off as being crazy, being unsubstantiated, of being unfounded. They sit there proudly, glowing in their truth and delusions in my world come crashing down. There’s a great moan as the delusions come down, as loudly as a metaphorically alive thing can die it does. I stand alone in the wreckage of what I had believed, mouth open, shaking, tears streaming down my face without any kind of understanding.

Some truth, some truth of yours might have been nice.

And did I as a human being capable of feeling sadness just as greatly as you, deserving to have the harsh glow of the sum of my fears wash across me?

Maybe I am delusional. And my delusions are in ruins, however that does not mean that the un truth or hidden I’m not telling yous are what I deserve.

I have given you the whole of my truth and the protection of my compassion. I have tried and am trying so very hard to not break now. To not be a constant mess of weeping and heart break. I am doing my best to beat my heart sickness of you.

And yet.

It’s just like salt in my wounds. Every text message you ignore from me but take from other people is a snub. I get it.

I’m not important.

And I’ll own up to feeling that I’m not important to you in the very least because it is exactly what I feel like.

 

À Bientôt!

Zed