Snow flakes and neurosis

It’s a snowy afternoon here, it is much warmer than it had been earlier this week and it is a little more calm. I finished up with the workshop I went to because of how bad my GPA last semester was. As a workshop it was nice. It was a lot better than many of the workshops I’ve had to go / take part of in the last year.

It gave me time to think, to re evaluate. I like writing, I like english however something one of my friend’s said yesterday is kinda digging at me. She said that she had to give up English as a major, had to accept writing as a pipe dream because she has a child and needs to have a career after her undergrad. She’s majoring in psych so far.

It came off as very defeatist to me.

I don’t like defeatist things. There is a limit on how hard you should try for something and lines where defeat is acceptable however to me it should not be accepted right off the bat. It’s counter productive, it doesn’t help anything when you’ve already determined that you’re going to lose at something, that no matter how much you may want or believe in something that because you think you cannot do it, that it is futile any effort will be wasted. It bothers me more than it really should.

I dig in. I throw everything I can into the things I do, I run head long into the unknown sometimes. I jump before looking and I know that somehow I will land on my feet. That I am strong ,maybe a bit more lucky, enough to make my own luck and survive no matter what. So I have faith in my convictions, I have belief in what I believe to be right and what ideals I adhere to. I know that I am hard to deal with, that I am full of sharp edges and things that many people may not agree with. I know that I am complicated, that I am incredibly lucky and that many people would not to chose to go through life like how I have.

I know these things.

It still bothers me though. It’s almost like it’s a personal attack on me when people are incredibly defeatist, when they accept mediocricyinstead of wanting to be better. Do better, try harder, to change how they are perceived in the world and how their world is perceived by them. It shouldn’t but it does.

I am always, in the back of my mind, striving to be better. To be better at life, to be better at being myself and to someday be better off than I am now. It’s kind of self centered to say that I am the only who does this, I’m not. Lately it has just seemed that many people are fine to be trapped into a life where half assing it fine. Rewarded even and it grates at me.

I’m not perfect. I do not have the answers.

However I do know that I can only do the best that I can. And at the end of the day, it’s something that I have to accept.

I am so rant-y in this.

I’ll write again soon!

À bientôt!

Zed

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Hello world!

Another day, another new blog.

What’s this you ask? An outlet for some of the things that go on in my head. Ideas, theories, stories, bits and pieces of this. Occasionally musik, well musik that I enjoy or find interesting. Some vague writing about what is going on my life, the ups and downs of school. What I like, what I do not particularly enjoy about some parts of my classes and in general just school.

I am vague. I am not overly friendly or cuddle filled. I do have my own opinions and beliefs, despite what some people may murmur. I do respect other people’s beliefs, if they respect mine and do not attempt to belittle or actively change long held beliefs of mine. I do judge you if you have very little interest in books or very little respect for learning more about the greater world around you, there. I said it. I am a judge-y snob in some manners.

However I have found in my personal experience that if you do not like either of those things I have very little in common with you. I am an information sponge. I want to learn as much as possible because it helps to shape how I see life. How I interact with people, with creatures, with plants as opposed to believing that I am a member of the dominant species on this planet and that everything else is “lesser” than me. That the only reason why it still exists is to serve my needs, my purposes otherwise it should be eradicated at one extreme and benignly neglected at the other.

I am confusing. I do not make sense at times and I will be difficult. How I approach interactions with people is very much like how sighthounds interact with people : you must have something of value, or you must be worth it in order for me to interact with you. That’s not to say that I am a shallow person, it is that I prefer to interact with people of substance. Or at least people who should have something interesting about them. I am done with having to be nice for niceties sake. I am not  enamoured of how society values a woman’s worth on how polite she is, how courteous she is, how much of a shrinking violet she is.

Burn it all. That is what I say. Burn it and re invent the system in the manner in which you would love to see it. Myself, right now I tiptoe around the camp of anarcha-feminism, as a partial support in some of my views. I told you I would be confusing.

À Bientôt!

ZeD