When I listen to happy hardcore I am reminded of you. When I listen to Zeromancer, another ghost of lover’s past comes to greet me, remind me of my transgressions then when Rush comes to the party I’m left questioning why I didn’t leave you sooner. Metallic brings me a hollow empty disappointed feeling, why did I ever care enough about you to think that I was special, that you were a decent human being.

And then it comes to me in a screamo cover of Eminem’s “Love the Way You Lie”. It’s because I loved all you despite all of the lies we lived in, loved in. Loving me is extremely difficult, it’s not a walk in the park, there is nothing idyllic about it.

It’s manic, full of passion, feeling, anger, fire. There’s nothing in the middle, it’s either all in or out. It’s something that I’ve figured out about myself, that I really do lack a middle ground. I am the hard guitar riff from a three chord punk song. I am that metal song that is so complicated musically, that gets lost in it and it’s sequences that people call it pretentious. Nobody can really agree what makes it more awesome than pretentious but they all agree it is something neat. Something special.

I am hard to love. It’s true.

I’m going to marry the dark.

À bein tôt!




Right between the eyes

I feel heart sick.

It is one of the worst types of sick to feel, in my very own opinion.  Earlier this fall I had lost my best friend. It was unexpected in the worst way, we had been texting up until he had died. He wasn’t that far along into adult, he shouldn’t have died.

He should still be very much alive. I feel very heart sick over that. My best friend died. That’s not supposed to happen until much later.

People wonder why I’ve been so distant, why I suck at group things more than usual this is it. My best friend died. Did you want me to proclaim that at every function where I was trying to not burst into tears?

My best friend died and it isn’t fair.

My best friend died and now I have no real people who have known me for years to talk to.

My best friend died and somehow this has inconvenienced you.

I’m really sorry about the last one. I know that it doesn’t help anything but still. My best friend died and it really fucking broke me. It still fucking breaks me because he was always there. Even if we didn’t live in the same city or province or he was always. We would always make plans to meet up and just talk.

I remember walking through the snow with him, talking about his feelings and how he felt. He told me that I was one of the rare people who he felt he didn’t have put his facade on around. I remember his smile and how he could wiggle his nose like a bunny.

I miss him so much. I wish that he was still here.

He was one of the first people who met me and said you’re going to make a wonderful top one day. I remember how he told me that he would introduce me to his mom’s friends in the community, that if I wanted to learn how to do things he would help me find people to teach me. Vetted people. Non creepy people, but people that we both knew.

I remember how much he believed in me when other people didn’t.

And how easy it was to be around him. I miss him so much.

And yet it does get better.