When I listen to happy hardcore I am reminded of you. When I listen to Zeromancer, another ghost of lover’s past comes to greet me, remind me of my transgressions then when Rush comes to the party I’m left questioning why I didn’t leave you sooner. Metallic brings me a hollow empty disappointed feeling, why did I ever care enough about you to think that I was special, that you were a decent human being.
And then it comes to me in a screamo cover of Eminem’s “Love the Way You Lie”. It’s because I loved all you despite all of the lies we lived in, loved in. Loving me is extremely difficult, it’s not a walk in the park, there is nothing idyllic about it.
It’s manic, full of passion, feeling, anger, fire. There’s nothing in the middle, it’s either all in or out. It’s something that I’ve figured out about myself, that I really do lack a middle ground. I am the hard guitar riff from a three chord punk song. I am that metal song that is so complicated musically, that gets lost in it and it’s sequences that people call it pretentious. Nobody can really agree what makes it more awesome than pretentious but they all agree it is something neat. Something special.
I am hard to love. It’s true.
I’m going to marry the dark.
À bein tôt!